When I was in college, I went out a few times with this guy. On our first date, he let me know up front that he had a baby on the way with his ex-girlfriend. They had broken up before she realized that she was pregnant. I thought, wow, this guy actually told me the truth. He said that he told me because he did not want someone else to tell me before he had a chance to, but also because I could choose to explore something more with him...or not. We went out about two more times after that, but after each date I truly had to be honest with myself...and with him. I told him that I did not want to feel like anything concerning me would come between him and doing what was right by his ex-girlfriend and the baby as well as I really did not want to have to share him. The reality was that I liked attention and I knew I could not compete with a brand new baby. I was also realistic about the fact that there was unfinished business between him and his ex. I did not love him, I barely knew if I actually liked him. To save myself any heartache down the road, I bowed out and kept it moving. My instinct had kicked in and I knew it was for the best. To make a long story short, he is now married to her and they have three children together. No surprise. They are an awesome looking family.
The problem with most of us is that we are not honest in the beginning of our relationships - honest about our expectations, our pasts, our feelings, and our intentions. To this day, I respect this young man - who I haven't seen in about 20 years - because he let me know that he had every intention of co-parenting this child and that would be his priority. But I also had to be honest about the fact that I was not going to hang out with him while he was co-parenting. I also valued myself enough to know that 2nd place was not for me. After all, I did not have any children and was not willing to take on that role in any form and, frankly, did not want to have to argue with some girl about her child. Everybody involved in the situation was young and bound to make foolish decisions. Looking back, I believe we all made decisions that were best for each of us. (Now, I had another situation where the guy never disclosed that he had a child and I just happened to see a picture of her on his mother's coffee table...I never spoke to him again).
So, today, I want to encourage someone to "be honest with yourself" in your relationships, but also be honest with the person you are dating or in a relationship with right now. Ask yourself and them the tough questions: What are you willing to do? What are your expectations? What are you willing to sacrifice? What won't you settle for? What are your struggles? What are your battle scars? What are your triumphs? Where do you see this going?
My advice:
Trust your own instincts (your gut) and use wisdom to guide you. More importantly, consult God. You will save yourself a lot of trouble down the road...
Proverbs 3
My son (daughter), do not let wisdom and understanding out of your sight,
preserve sound judgment and discretion;
22 they will be life for you,
an ornament to grace your neck.
23 Then you will go on your way in safety,
and your foot will not stumble.
24 When you lie down, you will not be afraid;
when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet.
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